If I could start all over again...
I'd still play the french horn. Actually, scratch that. I would have insisted on playing the saxophone like I wanted to, or I would have chosen the flute. I should have kept playing music.
I would have made it more obvious that I was depressed. You'd think the note I gave my mom when I was 13 that said I was suicidal would have been enough, but I guess not. There should have been some kind of intervention back then if anyone had been paying attention.
I would have skipped the AP classes in high school. I didn't like most of the people in those classes, and I hated to study. I set myself up for failure, and no one would let me fix it once I figured it out.
I would have graduated early. I should have graduated early. I hated that place, and being stuck there when I didn't want to be there just made it harder to embrace the importance of education.
I never would have worked at Arthur's.
I wouldn't have dated Jake. Or Zach. Or Steve. It all started with a conversation in a Yahoo chat room, and I have yet to figure out why all of that mattered.
I wouldn't have made the internet my only social life. I missed out on so much "real" life by doing that.
I would have started smoking sooner. I'm just saner with nicotine. It would have been cheaper than antidepressants or anything else that might help me feel sane.
I would have told a lot more people to fuck off when they deserved it.
I would have waited.
I would have refused to get on birth control when my mom insisted. I was only 15; I wasn't ready to have sex. I didn't want to until everyone assumed that I was already doing it, and I gave my virginity to the wrong person.
I would have gone straight to college after high school. I would have paid more attention to what was happening, gotten all the scholarships that were available to me, and gone to school with people my own age. I missed out on so much by not going to college.
I would have applied to UNC even after Zach found out that he wouldn't be stationed in North Carolina. I could have been here sooner, and I would have made friends. I'd have the education I need to get a good job.
I never would have let my Z26 go.
I would write more.
I wouldn't have gotten married so soon.
I probably wouldn't have married him.
I would have dated Nick even though everyone else thought he was a loser. I didn't, because he wasn't.
I would have tried harder to make friends.
I wouldn't have made "Story of a Girl" my anthem for so long.
I wouldn't have depended on everyone else to make me happy.
I would have gotten braces in junior high.
I would have volunteered more.
There's still time for me to do some of these things. For others, it's too late. I'll never have the same chances again. I just wish that someone had told me how important these things were for my future, and I wish I would have listened. I wish someone had cared more that I was successful, instead of ignoring me as I screamed that I wasn't ok. I can't blame anyone else for everything I missed out on. It's my own fault. But I didn't have any help. And when you're 14 and you hate the world, and you think about dying every single day, someone should be there to help.
